Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 15:47:45 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Congratulations!
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk.
Annie,
Congratulations on being made Editor of Health features in The Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!
Here’s your first scoop.
I have something here that may be of extreme interest to you and your new
colleagues. Indeed it may possibly gain you an early pay rise!
I’m essentially a doctor out of Tuscon, Arizona who has invented a revolutionary
new health product that is currently taking the States by storm. I’m here in Britain to
publicise the product and catch a bit of the culture you cockoney guys have to offer!
My Product is called Ass Ease in the States and will shortly be marketed here but
under a different name. “My ambition is to make the fat ass a thing of the past”.
Every slimming survey undertaken tells us the same thing – that the part of the body
a woman is most dissatisfied with is her ass (or ‘arse’ as you English guys call it).
Obesity has reached epidemic proportions back home. Sure, being fat is caused
primarily by what you eat and how often you exercise, however the single most
important factor on what size jeans you wear concerns the genes you were born
with.
Simply put some people gain weight easily and some don’t.
During the past 20 years I have studied the people of Newfoundland, Canada.
Geographically isolated from the rest of Canada Newfoundland has seen limited
migration. Most of the island’s 500,000 settlers can trace their ancestry to the
original 20,000 settlers.
The body fat percentage in Newfoundland is remarkably low with the average ass
there being skinnier, than say, an ass in Florida.
I have spent the best part of my life researching the ‘skinny gene’ and used
my findings to produce my own unique product. Results in the U.S have been
phenomenal. Below are some authentic letters I have received.
“Hi Professor Delauney, thanks to your awesome product my wife’s ass is
back to the size it was when I married it!”
Doyle Hanson, Mississippi
“At first I wasn’t sure to believe if ASS EASE actually worked but I’ve lost a good
8 pounds on my fanny. Do you have any other products for arm fat?”
Shana Roberts. California
“ASS EASE is the perfect gift for the person who wants to slip inside that pair of
jeans they can’t get into anymore.”
Phil Robertie, New Jersey
Annie, I would be more than willing to let you have a free sample of my kit for
review.
I don’t know the dimensions of your butt but I bet it could do with some trimming!
No offence.
I would offer you ASS EASE for as long as you wanted or needed it (not long after
the first course of treatments).
Please could you get back to me Annie with some sort of decision either way? I am
eager to push on with the marketing of my product
No BIG Butts – mail me!
Please let me know your immediate reaction before I approach any other publicists.
I’m keen to give you first scoop!
Best regards,
Doctor Raymond Delauney M.D., PH. D
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 16:31:26 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
What is your initial reaction?
No need for sugar coating.
Do you not think this is what the 21st century woman finally wants?
This is HUGE and I want you to be part of it.
Raymond
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 14:38:27 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Hi,
What product – sorry if you have already emailed about this, but it’s been
a busy week!
Thanks,
Annie
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 10:53:56 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Not sure we’re going to run with this on this occasion. Good luck with it
though.
Many thanks
Annie
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 11:06:05 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
I appreciate your reply on this one even though it is negative at present.
So many people lack common courtesy these days, even you Brits, which has surprised
me a little.
My wife has lost 4 pounds on her ass since I administered the treatment. Basically, I got the
ass back I married.
Listen, I don’t know how big your ass or even if it’s over weight. Hopefully not but bear in
mind a oversized butt is the most disliked part of a woman’s body and the area of the body
a man most admires.
If you’re carrying some surplus butt flesh then I’d love to work on it for you
personally, absolutely free of charge.
If you are okay ass wise then I could conduct the experiment on some of the other
girls in the office. We could photograph the asses before and after.
I’m in my office all morning, afternoon I’m injecting solid (asses lined up from here
to Big Ben) so please have a think and please, please mail me back as soon as you
can.
Thanks,
Doctor Raymond Delauney
‘My ambition is to make a fat ass the thing of the past.’
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:39:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey Annie,
Just done injecting 35 butts this afternoon.
I’m getting though more asses than Elton John!
Sorry to hassle you but disappointed to see no response.
How about the before and after idea – we could put your ass on the line for authenticity or
if it’s not big we could use one of your underling’s bots.
How about it?
I could chuck a few dollars into the pot to facilitate the red tape procedure.
Doctor Raymond Delauney
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 10:34:49 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hi Annie,
Hope you are good.
Got another production line of asses to see to all day again so grabbing five to buzz
you on an update.
I sensed you weren’t too keen on an ASS Ease product review so how about a
competition?
We could run ‘Win a Slim Ass this ChristmASS’ competition.
I’ll give away a free course of treatments to the Sun winner.
Would be a cool prize and maybe elevate you up the company ladder.
What do you think.
Please, please get back to me
your friend,
Raymond
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 12:58:34 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey Annie.
Just thought I’d hand you a visit to the last chance saloon.
I got a group of people called the 3 AM girls very keen to run a story – me to offer
Jennifer Lopez the ASS Ease treatment.
Buck Hudson, who runs the PR company I use is personal friends with her, and if we
can agree a fee she is prepared endorse the product.
I think that once the British public see that J-Lo is willing to do something about her
butt size then they will all want to take some positive action. We are also in talks with
Beyonce – I don’t think the public realise how big her butt is as it is air brushed an
awful lot. Believe me when I say it is the size of Brooklyn!
I’m also issuing a challenge that if Ass Ease is unsuccessful on any journalist I try it on
I will donate $100,000 to President Blair.
I would prefer to use your paper as I’m told it is bigger and better than the XXXXXX.
Please stop ignoring me!
C’mon Annie!
Raymond
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 13:03:31 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Can you send me the original document please.
Thanks
Annie
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:17:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Original mail attached
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey, Annie,
Gee this is about the third time I sent you this! No problems, happy to help.
Congratulations on being made Editor of the Health section in the Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:26:13 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
What does it contain?
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:54:50 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Gee, Annie has anyone ever mentioned you are pretty damn direct when it comes to
conversations?
Mind you some guys like tough talking in a woman. I prefer a tidy butt and so does
practically every red blooded man in the universe (minus the chubby chasers!)
A deal with J-Lo is on the table. She wants 40% of the business – greedy girl! I’ll act
outraged and trim that down but with her name I think that is an absolute bargain.
Okay, speed lesson in the treatment of obesity.
Drugs to treat obesity can be divided into three groups: those which reduce food intake,
those which alter metabolism and those which increase thermogenesis. Monoamines acting on noradrenergic receptors, serotonin receptors, dopamine receptors and
histamine receptors can reduce food intake. A number of peptides also affect food
intake.
The noradrenergic drugs phentermine, diethylpropion, mazindol benzphetamine
and phendimetrazine are approved only for short-term use. Sibutramine, a
norepinephrine-serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, is approved for long-term use. Orlistat
inhibits pancreatic lipase and can block 30% of triglyceride hydrolysis in subjects
eating a 30% fat diet.
The only thermogenic drug combination that has been tested is ephedrine and
caffeine, but this treatment has not been approved by regulating agencies. Leptin
is currently in clinical trials and other drugs that may modulate peptide-feeding
systems are being developed.
We use noradergenic drugs in varying safe, tried and tested combinations.
Are you eager to have your ass trimmed on a trial basis?
Do you want to run a feature on us?
Will your next reply be more than one line?
Raymond
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:01:44 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey Annie,
Anything happening your end?
As regards rear ends?
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:03:33 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Sorry, it’s a no-goer I’m afraid – just not for us at the moment.
Annie
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:13:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Bum Steer
To: “Jame, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
Why the hell have you proceeded to give me the run around over the last few days?
I’ve told the marketing people you guys would be running a festive feature on us? This
is TOTALLY unprofessional.
Your responses, when you can be bothered to reply, take the form of one line bursts.
Frankly, it’s damn rude, Annie. I thought you British guys were polite?
You wanna play hard ball with me?
Fine.
Listen, we’ll just have to get down to the way things work in the U.S.
I’ll be direct.
How much to grease your palm?
I can go up to $30,000 in juice – but NO higher than that, so don’t squeeze me any
tighter, sister.
Do not show this mail to anyone else. I ain’t throwing money around like confetti. I
can cc the money into any account you want within three days but I’ll need some
verbal assurances from you first.
I just wished that if you knew you were going to put the bite on me that you did it
from day one. Now I’ve wasted time I haven’t got. The PR department are salivating
like rabid dogs.
Something longer than a one line response would be greatly appreciated.
Raymond
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:25:39 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Don’t be ridiculous, I never said we would be running anything on
this, only that I would have a look and see if it would be good for the
Tabloid readership.
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:40:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
ARE YOU FOR REAL, SISTER?
You asked me to re-send the document NOT once but THREE times.
You then asked for more info on several occasions albeit in an astoundingly abrasive
manner.
You led me up the garden path, lifted your skirt, so to speak, and then denied me what
was rightfully mine.
I’m forwarding our correspondence to my legal team to see if we have enough to bind
you to a contract. It might be that we have.
If I was back home in Tuscon, which incidentally, is ten times better than this lousy fog
infested country I’d sue your ass off never mind slim it down.
Hey, one last chance to tug at an olive branch.
$60,000 – a slim butt for you this Xmas – the one your husband married – AND 12
boxes of Cuban cigars.
C’mon Annie, I don’t really want to sue your butt.
Doctor Raymond
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:27:19 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Sorry
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
Okay, maybe I got a little heated back there in my last mail.
If I did, well I apologise for that.
Listen to me Annie, and listen good.
Let’s draw a line under what has already happened.
I got the PR people turning up the heat and I need to deliver now.
Just tell me how much you want. I just haven’t the time to haggle any longer. If I can
afford it I’ll shell out. We have the funds.
Can we get anything on the front page? Not main headline of course, but maybe a pic
in the corner.
I’ll need to hear something back very soon or my balls will be on block.
Happy Xmas,
Raymond
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:17:25 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Nothing is going on – we are not running this piece. This is the final
decision.
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:21:08 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hamlet,
WHAT THE F....
You and your fat ass (now staying fat) have given me the runaround for long enough.
I may sue your butt off.
The XXXXXX are going to run with Ass Ease anyhow.
Messer!
Raymond
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 17:08:14 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
$70,000?
Raymond
NO REPLY
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