ASS-EASE

AGAIN - EMAIL ADDRESSES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE STUPID - ALL CORRESPONDENCE IS REAL.

Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 15:47:45 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Congratulations!
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk.
Annie,
Congratulations on being made Editor of Health features in The Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!
Here’s your first scoop.
I have something here that may be of extreme interest to you and your new
colleagues. Indeed it may possibly gain you an early pay rise!
I’m essentially a doctor out of Tuscon, Arizona who has invented a revolutionary
new health product that is currently taking the States by storm. I’m here in Britain to
publicise the product and catch a bit of the culture you cockoney guys have to offer!
My Product is called Ass Ease in the States and will shortly be marketed here but
under a different name. “My ambition is to make the fat ass a thing of the past”.
Every slimming survey undertaken tells us the same thing – that the part of the body
a woman is most dissatisfied with is her ass (or ‘arse’ as you English guys call it).
Obesity has reached epidemic proportions back home. Sure, being fat is caused
primarily by what you eat and how often you exercise, however the single most
important factor on what size jeans you wear concerns the genes you were born
with.
Simply put some people gain weight easily and some don’t.
During the past 20 years I have studied the people of Newfoundland, Canada.
Geographically isolated from the rest of Canada Newfoundland has seen limited
migration. Most of the island’s 500,000 settlers can trace their ancestry to the
original 20,000 settlers.
The body fat percentage in Newfoundland is remarkably low with the average ass
there being skinnier, than say, an ass in Florida.
I have spent the best part of my life researching the ‘skinny gene’ and used
my findings to produce my own unique product. Results in the U.S have been
phenomenal. Below are some authentic letters I have received.
“Hi Professor Delauney, thanks to your awesome product my wife’s ass is
back to the size it was when I married it!”
Doyle Hanson, Mississippi
“At first I wasn’t sure to believe if ASS EASE actually worked but I’ve lost a good
8 pounds on my fanny. Do you have any other products for arm fat?”
Shana Roberts. California
“ASS EASE is the perfect gift for the person who wants to slip inside that pair of
jeans they can’t get into anymore.”
Phil Robertie, New Jersey
Annie, I would be more than willing to let you have a free sample of my kit for
review.
I don’t know the dimensions of your butt but I bet it could do with some trimming!
No offence.
I would offer you ASS EASE for as long as you wanted or needed it (not long after
the first course of treatments).
Please could you get back to me Annie with some sort of decision either way? I am
eager to push on with the marketing of my product
No BIG Butts – mail me!
Please let me know your immediate reaction before I approach any other publicists.
I’m keen to give you first scoop!
Best regards,
Doctor Raymond Delauney M.D., PH. D

Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 16:31:26 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
What is your initial reaction?
No need for sugar coating.
Do you not think this is what the 21st century woman finally wants?
This is HUGE and I want you to be part of it.
Raymond

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 14:38:27 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Hi,
What product – sorry if you have already emailed about this, but it’s been
a busy week!
Thanks,
Annie

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 10:53:56 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Not sure we’re going to run with this on this occasion. Good luck with it
though.
Many thanks
Annie


Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 11:06:05 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
I appreciate your reply on this one even though it is negative at present.
So many people lack common courtesy these days, even you Brits, which has surprised
me a little.
My wife has lost 4 pounds on her ass since I administered the treatment. Basically, I got the
ass back I married.
Listen, I don’t know how big your ass or even if it’s over weight. Hopefully not but bear in
mind a oversized butt is the most disliked part of a woman’s body and the area of the body
a man most admires.

If you’re carrying some surplus butt flesh then I’d love to work on it for you
personally, absolutely free of charge.
If you are okay ass wise then I could conduct the experiment on some of the other
girls in the office. We could photograph the asses before and after.
I’m in my office all morning, afternoon I’m injecting solid (asses lined up from here
to Big Ben) so please have a think and please, please mail me back as soon as you
can.
Thanks,
Doctor Raymond Delauney
‘My ambition is to make a fat ass the thing of the past.’

Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:39:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hey Annie,
Just done injecting 35 butts this afternoon.
I’m getting though more asses than Elton John!
Sorry to hassle you but disappointed to see no response.
How about the before and after idea – we could put your ass on the line for authenticity or
if it’s not big we could use one of your underling’s bots.
How about it?
I could chuck a few dollars into the pot to facilitate the red tape procedure.
Doctor Raymond Delauney

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 10:34:49 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hi Annie,
Hope you are good.
Got another production line of asses to see to all day again so grabbing five to buzz
you on an update.
I sensed you weren’t too keen on an ASS Ease product review so how about a
competition?
We could run ‘Win a Slim Ass this ChristmASS’ competition.
I’ll give away a free course of treatments to the Sun winner.
Would be a cool prize and maybe elevate you up the company ladder.
What do you think.
Please, please get back to me
your friend,
Raymond

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 12:58:34 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey Annie.
Just thought I’d hand you a visit to the last chance saloon.
I got a group of people called the 3 AM girls very keen to run a story – me to offer
Jennifer Lopez the ASS Ease treatment.
Buck Hudson, who runs the PR company I use is personal friends with her, and if we
can agree a fee she is prepared endorse the product.
I think that once the British public see that J-Lo is willing to do something about her
butt size then they will all want to take some positive action. We are also in talks with
Beyonce – I don’t think the public realise how big her butt is as it is air brushed an
awful lot. Believe me when I say it is the size of Brooklyn!
I’m also issuing a challenge that if Ass Ease is unsuccessful on any journalist I try it on
I will donate $100,000 to President Blair.
I would prefer to use your paper as I’m told it is bigger and better than the XXXXXX.
Please stop ignoring me!
C’mon Annie!
Raymond

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 13:03:31 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Can you send me the original document please.
Thanks
Annie

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:17:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Original mail attached
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey, Annie,
Gee this is about the third time I sent you this! No problems, happy to help.
Congratulations on being made Editor of the Health section in the Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!

Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:26:13 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

What does it contain?

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:54:50 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Gee, Annie has anyone ever mentioned you are pretty damn direct when it comes to
conversations?
Mind you some guys like tough talking in a woman. I prefer a tidy butt and so does
practically every red blooded man in the universe (minus the chubby chasers!)
A deal with J-Lo is on the table. She wants 40% of the business – greedy girl! I’ll act
outraged and trim that down but with her name I think that is an absolute bargain.
Okay, speed lesson in the treatment of obesity.
Drugs to treat obesity can be divided into three groups: those which reduce food intake,
those which alter metabolism and those which increase thermogenesis. Monoamines acting on noradrenergic receptors, serotonin receptors, dopamine receptors and
histamine receptors can reduce food intake. A number of peptides also affect food
intake.
The noradrenergic drugs phentermine, diethylpropion, mazindol benzphetamine
and phendimetrazine are approved only for short-term use. Sibutramine, a
norepinephrine-serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, is approved for long-term use. Orlistat
inhibits pancreatic lipase and can block 30% of triglyceride hydrolysis in subjects
eating a 30% fat diet.
The only thermogenic drug combination that has been tested is ephedrine and
caffeine, but this treatment has not been approved by regulating agencies. Leptin
is currently in clinical trials and other drugs that may modulate peptide-feeding
systems are being developed.
We use noradergenic drugs in varying safe, tried and tested combinations.
Are you eager to have your ass trimmed on a trial basis?
Do you want to run a feature on us?
Will your next reply be more than one line?
Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:01:44 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hey Annie,

Anything happening your end?
As regards rear ends?

Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:03:33 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Sorry, it’s a no-goer I’m afraid – just not for us at the moment.
Annie

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:13:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Bum Steer
To: “Jame, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
Why the hell have you proceeded to give me the run around over the last few days?
I’ve told the marketing people you guys would be running a festive feature on us? This
is TOTALLY unprofessional.
Your responses, when you can be bothered to reply, take the form of one line bursts.
Frankly, it’s damn rude, Annie. I thought you British guys were polite?
You wanna play hard ball with me?
Fine.
Listen, we’ll just have to get down to the way things work in the U.S.
I’ll be direct.
How much to grease your palm?
I can go up to $30,000 in juice – but NO higher than that, so don’t squeeze me any
tighter, sister.
Do not show this mail to anyone else. I ain’t throwing money around like confetti. I
can cc the money into any account you want within three days but I’ll need some
verbal assurances from you first.
I just wished that if you knew you were going to put the bite on me that you did it
from day one. Now I’ve wasted time I haven’t got. The PR department are salivating
like rabid dogs.
Something longer than a one line response would be greatly appreciated.
Raymond

Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:25:39 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Don’t be ridiculous, I never said we would be running anything on
this, only that I would have a look and see if it would be good for the
Tabloid readership.

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:40:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
ARE YOU FOR REAL, SISTER?
You asked me to re-send the document NOT once but THREE times.
You then asked for more info on several occasions albeit in an astoundingly abrasive
manner.
You led me up the garden path, lifted your skirt, so to speak, and then denied me what
was rightfully mine.
I’m forwarding our correspondence to my legal team to see if we have enough to bind
you to a contract. It might be that we have.
If I was back home in Tuscon, which incidentally, is ten times better than this lousy fog
infested country I’d sue your ass off never mind slim it down.
Hey, one last chance to tug at an olive branch.
$60,000 – a slim butt for you this Xmas – the one your husband married – AND 12
boxes of Cuban cigars.
C’mon Annie, I don’t really want to sue your butt.
Doctor Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:27:19 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Sorry
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
Okay, maybe I got a little heated back there in my last mail.
If I did, well I apologise for that.
Listen to me Annie, and listen good.
Let’s draw a line under what has already happened.
I got the PR people turning up the heat and I need to deliver now.
Just tell me how much you want. I just haven’t the time to haggle any longer. If I can
afford it I’ll shell out. We have the funds.
Can we get anything on the front page? Not main headline of course, but maybe a pic
in the corner.
I’ll need to hear something back very soon or my balls will be on block.
Happy Xmas,
Raymond

Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:17:25 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Nothing is going on – we are not running this piece. This is the final
decision.

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:21:08 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hamlet,
WHAT THE F....
You and your fat ass (now staying fat) have given me the runaround for long enough.
I may sue your butt off.
The XXXXXX are going to run with Ass Ease anyhow.
Messer!
Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 17:08:14 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

$70,000?
Raymond

NO REPLY

ASS-EASE

AGAIN, THE EMAIL ADDRESSES OF THE GULLIBLE HAVE BEEN CHANGED.

Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 15:47:45 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Congratulations!
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk.
Annie,
Congratulations on being made Editor of Health features in The Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!
Here’s your first scoop.
I have something here that may be of extreme interest to you and your new
colleagues. Indeed it may possibly gain you an early pay rise!
I’m essentially a doctor out of Tuscon, Arizona who has invented a revolutionary
new health product that is currently taking the States by storm. I’m here in Britain to
publicise the product and catch a bit of the culture you cockoney guys have to offer!
My Product is called Ass Ease in the States and will shortly be marketed here but
under a different name. “My ambition is to make the fat ass a thing of the past”.
Every slimming survey undertaken tells us the same thing – that the part of the body
a woman is most dissatisfied with is her ass (or ‘arse’ as you English guys call it).
Obesity has reached epidemic proportions back home. Sure, being fat is caused
primarily by what you eat and how often you exercise, however the single most
important factor on what size jeans you wear concerns the genes you were born
with.
Simply put some people gain weight easily and some don’t.
During the past 20 years I have studied the people of Newfoundland, Canada.
Geographically isolated from the rest of Canada Newfoundland has seen limited
migration. Most of the island’s 500,000 settlers can trace their ancestry to the
original 20,000 settlers.
The body fat percentage in Newfoundland is remarkably low with the average ass
there being skinnier, than say, an ass in Florida.
I have spent the best part of my life researching the ‘skinny gene’ and used
my findings to produce my own unique product. Results in the U.S have been
phenomenal. Below are some authentic letters I have received.
“Hi Professor Delauney, thanks to your awesome product my wife’s ass is
back to the size it was when I married it!”
Doyle Hanson, Mississippi
“At first I wasn’t sure to believe if ASS EASE actually worked but I’ve lost a good
8 pounds on my fanny. Do you have any other products for arm fat?”
Shana Roberts. California
“ASS EASE is the perfect gift for the person who wants to slip inside that pair of
jeans they can’t get into anymore.”
Phil Robertie, New Jersey
Annie, I would be more than willing to let you have a free sample of my kit for
review.
I don’t know the dimensions of your butt but I bet it could do with some trimming!
No offence.
I would offer you ASS EASE for as long as you wanted or needed it (not long after
the first course of treatments).
Please could you get back to me Annie with some sort of decision either way? I am
eager to push on with the marketing of my product
No BIG Butts – mail me!
Please let me know your immediate reaction before I approach any other publicists.
I’m keen to give you first scoop!
Best regards,
Doctor Raymond Delauney M.D., PH. D

Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 16:31:26 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
What is your initial reaction?
No need for sugar coating.
Do you not think this is what the 21st century woman finally wants?
This is HUGE and I want you to be part of it.
Raymond

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 14:38:27 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk
Hi,
What product – sorry if you have already emailed about this, but it’s been
a busy week!
Thanks,
Annie

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 10:53:56 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Not sure we’re going to run with this on this occasion. Good luck with it
though.
Many thanks
Annie


Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 11:06:05 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
I appreciate your reply on this one even though it is negative at present.
So many people lack common courtesy these days, even you Brits, which has surprised
me a little.
My wife has lost 4 pounds on her ass since I administered the treatment. Basically, I got the
ass back I married.
Listen, I don’t know how big your ass or even if it’s over weight. Hopefully not but bear in
mind a oversized butt is the most disliked part of a woman’s body and the area of the body
a man most admires.

If you’re carrying some surplus butt flesh then I’d love to work on it for you
personally, absolutely free of charge.
If you are okay ass wise then I could conduct the experiment on some of the other
girls in the office. We could photograph the asses before and after.
I’m in my office all morning, afternoon I’m injecting solid (asses lined up from here
to Big Ben) so please have a think and please, please mail me back as soon as you
can.
Thanks,
Doctor Raymond Delauney
‘My ambition is to make a fat ass the thing of the past.’

Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:39:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hey Annie,
Just done injecting 35 butts this afternoon.
I’m getting though more asses than Elton John!
Sorry to hassle you but disappointed to see no response.
How about the before and after idea – we could put your ass on the line for authenticity or
if it’s not big we could use one of your underling’s bots.
How about it?
I could chuck a few dollars into the pot to facilitate the red tape procedure.
Doctor Raymond Delauney

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 10:34:49 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hi Annie,
Hope you are good.
Got another production line of asses to see to all day again so grabbing five to buzz
you on an update.
I sensed you weren’t too keen on an ASS Ease product review so how about a
competition?
We could run ‘Win a Slim Ass this ChristmASS’ competition.
I’ll give away a free course of treatments to the Sun winner.
Would be a cool prize and maybe elevate you up the company ladder.
What do you think.
Please, please get back to me
your friend,
Raymond

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 12:58:34 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Hey Annie
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey Annie.
Just thought I’d hand you a visit to the last chance saloon.
I got a group of people called the 3 AM girls very keen to run a story – me to offer
Jennifer Lopez the ASS Ease treatment.
Buck Hudson, who runs the PR company I use is personal friends with her, and if we
can agree a fee she is prepared endorse the product.
I think that once the British public see that J-Lo is willing to do something about her
butt size then they will all want to take some positive action. We are also in talks with
Beyonce – I don’t think the public realise how big her butt is as it is air brushed an
awful lot. Believe me when I say it is the size of Brooklyn!
I’m also issuing a challenge that if Ass Ease is unsuccessful on any journalist I try it on
I will donate $100,000 to President Blair.
I would prefer to use your paper as I’m told it is bigger and better than the XXXXXX.
Please stop ignoring me!
C’mon Annie!
Raymond

Subject: RE: Hey Annie
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 13:03:31 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Can you send me the original document please.
Thanks
Annie

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:17:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Original mail attached
To: annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Hey, Annie,
Gee this is about the third time I sent you this! No problems, happy to help.
Congratulations on being made Editor of the Health section in the Tabloid newspaper.
Way to go!

Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:26:13 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

What does it contain?

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:54:50 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Gee, Annie has anyone ever mentioned you are pretty damn direct when it comes to
conversations?
Mind you some guys like tough talking in a woman. I prefer a tidy butt and so does
practically every red blooded man in the universe (minus the chubby chasers!)
A deal with J-Lo is on the table. She wants 40% of the business – greedy girl! I’ll act
outraged and trim that down but with her name I think that is an absolute bargain.
Okay, speed lesson in the treatment of obesity.
Drugs to treat obesity can be divided into three groups: those which reduce food intake,
those which alter metabolism and those which increase thermogenesis. Monoamines acting on noradrenergic receptors, serotonin receptors, dopamine receptors and
histamine receptors can reduce food intake. A number of peptides also affect food
intake.
The noradrenergic drugs phentermine, diethylpropion, mazindol benzphetamine
and phendimetrazine are approved only for short-term use. Sibutramine, a
norepinephrine-serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, is approved for long-term use. Orlistat
inhibits pancreatic lipase and can block 30% of triglyceride hydrolysis in subjects
eating a 30% fat diet.
The only thermogenic drug combination that has been tested is ephedrine and
caffeine, but this treatment has not been approved by regulating agencies. Leptin
is currently in clinical trials and other drugs that may modulate peptide-feeding
systems are being developed.
We use noradergenic drugs in varying safe, tried and tested combinations.
Are you eager to have your ass trimmed on a trial basis?
Do you want to run a feature on us?
Will your next reply be more than one line?
Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:01:44 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Original mail attached
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hey Annie,

Anything happening your end?
As regards rear ends?

Subject: RE: Original mail attached
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:03:33 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Sorry, it’s a no-goer I’m afraid – just not for us at the moment.
Annie

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:13:58 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Bum Steer
To: “Jame, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
Why the hell have you proceeded to give me the run around over the last few days?
I’ve told the marketing people you guys would be running a festive feature on us? This
is TOTALLY unprofessional.
Your responses, when you can be bothered to reply, take the form of one line bursts.
Frankly, it’s damn rude, Annie. I thought you British guys were polite?
You wanna play hard ball with me?
Fine.
Listen, we’ll just have to get down to the way things work in the U.S.
I’ll be direct.
How much to grease your palm?
I can go up to $30,000 in juice – but NO higher than that, so don’t squeeze me any
tighter, sister.
Do not show this mail to anyone else. I ain’t throwing money around like confetti. I
can cc the money into any account you want within three days but I’ll need some
verbal assurances from you first.
I just wished that if you knew you were going to put the bite on me that you did it
from day one. Now I’ve wasted time I haven’t got. The PR department are salivating
like rabid dogs.
Something longer than a one line response would be greatly appreciated.
Raymond

Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:25:39 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Don’t be ridiculous, I never said we would be running anything on
this, only that I would have a look and see if it would be good for the
Tabloid readership.

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:40:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk
Annie,
ARE YOU FOR REAL, SISTER?
You asked me to re-send the document NOT once but THREE times.
You then asked for more info on several occasions albeit in an astoundingly abrasive
manner.
You led me up the garden path, lifted your skirt, so to speak, and then denied me what
was rightfully mine.
I’m forwarding our correspondence to my legal team to see if we have enough to bind
you to a contract. It might be that we have.
If I was back home in Tuscon, which incidentally, is ten times better than this lousy fog
infested country I’d sue your ass off never mind slim it down.
Hey, one last chance to tug at an olive branch.
$60,000 – a slim butt for you this Xmas – the one your husband married – AND 12
boxes of Cuban cigars.
C’mon Annie, I don’t really want to sue your butt.
Doctor Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:27:19 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Sorry
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Annie,
Okay, maybe I got a little heated back there in my last mail.
If I did, well I apologise for that.
Listen to me Annie, and listen good.
Let’s draw a line under what has already happened.
I got the PR people turning up the heat and I need to deliver now.
Just tell me how much you want. I just haven’t the time to haggle any longer. If I can
afford it I’ll shell out. We have the funds.
Can we get anything on the front page? Not main headline of course, but maybe a pic
in the corner.
I’ll need to hear something back very soon or my balls will be on block.
Happy Xmas,
Raymond

Subject: RE: Bum Steer
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:17:25 -0000
From: “James, Annie”
To: “raymond delauney” raymonddelauney@yahoo.co.uk

Nothing is going on – we are not running this piece. This is the final
decision.

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:21:08 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

Hamlet,
WHAT THE F....
You and your fat ass (now staying fat) have given me the runaround for long enough.
I may sue your butt off.
The XXXXXX are going to run with Ass Ease anyhow.
Messer!
Raymond

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 17:08:14 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: RE: Bum Steer
To: “James, Annie” annie.james@the-tabloid.co.uk

$70,000?
Raymond

NO REPLY

raymond delauney emails - contact with a psychic

For those of you that don't know. I am the infamous Raymond Delauney, writer of irritating emails to unsuspecting victims. all emails are real, addresses have been changed to protect the stupid....

CONTACT WITH A PSYCHIC

Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2007 12:1143 +0000 (GMT)
From: "raymond delauney"
Subject: My Dilemma
To: pennyhart@happymystic.com

Hi Penny,
I take my hat off to you for possessing special powers and availing them for the
general betterment of the world.

Psychics like yourself are gifted people. I bet lots of people say ' a penny for your
thoughts'. A funny joke I would venture, given the name and nature of your vocation
I am hoping you can help me with your thought power on an important issue that
needs urgent resolution.
Let's get down to brass tacks:

I live in Scotland (though I am originally English). I have two twin brothers one, Roy,
40, who lives in Nova Scotia (Canada) and the other, Roger, also 40, who lives in
Singapore (Asia).

Before my mother died she left me a valuable painting, which has somehow ended
up in the possession of one of my brothers.
The watercolour is by the artist Henry Bernard Chalon and is estimated at
around £25,000 in value. Mother wanted me to have the painting as I have an
eye for intricate detail on expensive paintings. I believe I was her favourite (she
always called me 'her Raymondo').

I distinctly recall mother saying the painting was at one of my brothers' houses, in
his loft. But here's the problem: I can't remember which brother has it!

I don't want to ask either twin whether they have it over the phone in case they
research the painting's value and become consumed with greed, which is a terrible
thing. Both brothers are far better off than me, one is a chubby orthopaedist who
owns three cars whilst the other works in the shipping industry has 2 ponies and a
wife who spends more on her wardrobe than I do on my kids. So it's not as though
they need the money.

My plan is to go and visit the bro who has the painting as part of a holiday. My wife
could distract them by taking them out for a meal while I have a little rummage in
the loft.

Once back with its rightful owner I aim to place the painting above my mantelpiece
for a while so that I can feel closer to mum. After I get that contentment, and only
after, will I put it up on eBay to ease my current financial plight.
I need to know which brother has the painting, as booking two holidays would be
expensive -as well as time consuming. I haven't much money but if you could use
your special powers to let me know which brother has my painting I will grease your
palm with £250 of sliver once I hawk it.
Will it be more difficult to tell who has it because they are twins and have similar
genetic thought patterns?

Roy Delauney: date of birth 22/04/66 height, 6' hair colour brown. Wife's name: Lucy
Car: Volvo, MG, and a small car. Favourite sport; Golf
Roger Delauney: date of birth 22/04/66, height 6', hair colour brown. Wife's name:
Alison
Car: BMW: Favourite sport: Tennis/golf

Tip me the wink where the picture is and I'll look after you – but you already know
that I guess, what with your special powers.
Many congratulations on your work so far, which has been excellent.
Thanks in advance,
Raymond Delauney

Subject: Re: My Dilemma
Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2007 09:46:31 -0500
From: "Penny Hart"
To: "raymond delauney"

For a reading of this type I usually charge around $75.00, but also I do reduce my rates for people who cannot afford the higher price. I could look into this for you (I already have an idea which brother has it) using my guides and tell you of steps to take to assure that you get it from him also. For that I would only charge you $20.00

That can be sent to me through paypal.com using my email of pennyhart@happymystic.com if you
do not have paypal I take all major credit cards and can send you an invoice through paypal that will allow you to pay by credit card without signing up for a paypal account. When payment is received I will send you the answer, just be sure to send me an email with your brothers name fist and last in it also.
Hope to hear from you soon
Penny Hart


Penny,
Terrific news!!!
Did you like my joke about a 'penny for your thoughts'? I made it up myself.
It's interesting that you already have a sense of which brother might have the painting.
I don't have a clue.

I'm pretty short of liquid funds at present so how does a 10 percent bonus sound?
That is to say if you give me the correct answer (and I promise I'll pay up) and I'll give
you 10 percent of whatever the painting is sold for.
I'll even let you watch the sale on eBay. But I guess you will have a rough idea of the
value with your predicative powers!!

It should go for around £25,000 and so ten percent slice of that adds up to a
juicy £250 or $500. That way everyone is happy.
Obviously it's a 50/50 chance for someone without your thought patterns. But with
your skills I'd get the right answer straight away and you'd make some money.
We got ourselves a deal?
Raymond

From: "Penny Hart" <>
To: "raymond delauney"
Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2007 14:16:02 -0500
Subject: Re: My Dilemma

Sure fair enough deal :) when you put it on eBay be sure to send me the link so I can check it out.:)
The one who has it is Roy. He has forgotten that he has it and if you ask him about it later you will find it stacked on its side in the attic type with a box that has a red cloth or something red on it and tell him it would mean a lot to you and that you want it because it is moms he will give it to you.

Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2007 11:42:47 +0000 (GMT)
From: "raymond delauney"
Subject: Re: My Dilemma
To: "Penny Hart"

Terrific news!!!
I thought Roy may have had the painting but to have it confirmed by someone of your
powers is damned well reassuring. I've just booked a flight to Canada.
Unfortunately the wife, or 'Saggy' as I call her, has insisted she comes along. She
wouldn't want me enjoying myself. We tend to row a lot these days – she blames me
for her having low esteem. Not sure where she gets that from.

The only point I would disagree with you on is that I very much doubt Roy would let
me have the painting if he suspects it's cash convertible. He's as tight as a coat of
paint. As a boy he could open and eat a packet of crisps silently and secretly in his
pocket just so he didn't have to share them with me.

I'll get Saggy to have a root around the attic when I take Roy and his family out for a
meal. No point in Roy demanding a piece of the picture – he's loaded anyway.
I'll make sure I cut you in for a juicy 10%. Should add up to a handy $25.
I just realised that with you being American you probably didn't understand my rib
tickling 'penny for your thoughts' remark. You Americans use cents instead of pennies.
Thanks for your brilliant help,
Raymond

From: "Penny Hart"
To: "raymond delauney"
Date: Thu, 08 Mar 2007 08:53:52 -0500
Subject: Re: My Dilemma

Lol I actually do understand your ribbing hun. I am known internationally so I talk to a wide range of people.
For example in the US the word spoof means to copy of imitate something. I couldn't tell you what it means in " The land down under" it's too dirty Lol Ozzies have a great sense of humor.

Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:10:07 +0000 (GMT)
From: "raymond delauney"
Subject: Thanks a bunch
To: "Penny Hart"

Remember me?
You probably don't.
Please allow me to remind you. I'm the plum you sent to Nova Scotia, Canada – in
search of a valuable painting – a painting that wasn't there.

Do you get a kick sending people half way around the globe on a wild goose chase?
I made the HUGE mistake of believing you were a world-class medium.
Now, because of you, my brother doesn't want to see or hear from me ever again
and the wife is sleeping on the couch.

Worse, much worse is the cost of the round trip hit me in the pocket to the tune of
£3,000. I figure I should have that paid off by the back end of June – 2009.
My brother, Roy, ejected my wife and me from his house on day two of our planned
ten-day stay. He doesn't want to see me again, ever.
I took Roy, his wife and their two kids for a slap up meal while my wife stayed
behind on the pretext she was unwell with one of her heads. The plan was for the
missus to have a scout around the attic when the coast was clear.
Unfortunately, what wasn't in the plans was for my lard assed wife putting her
foot through the plasterboard, making a huge foot shaped hole in the ceiling. It's
something you can hardly blame on rats – which of course is exactly what she did.
The fact that her fat footprints, covered in plaster, led a tell tale trail all the way back
to her room didn't help lend her story much in the way of credibility.
Of course, as she repeatedly reminds me, the whole thing would never have
happened if you hadn't sent us on a wild goose chase in the first place.

My wife had to have 8 stitches inserted in her ankle, costing me £23 a stitch.
She eventually confessed it was her that caused the hole in the ceiling, emphasising
the fact it was all my idea.

Roy went puce with rage, and then when he finally reddened down he got angry
again threw some punches at me. I had to put him in a headlock for my own
protection whereupon he accidentally broke his collarbone.

Roy took great pleasure in telling me our other brother had the painting all along. He
lives in Singapore, which isn't in the same continent as Nova Scotia, by the way.
What happened to us? Well, if you're interested Roy 'kindly' dropped us off at the
hospital with our suitcases and the message never to contact him again.

The only good thing to come out of this is the wife is now kipping on the couch, she
actually believes this is punishing me. I must say all the extra space I have to stretch
out at night and not being able to hears her rasping snore is really teaching me a
valuable lesson. When she 'can't be bothered to trim her nipple hair' you just know
there's zero romance left in the marriage.

So, thanks to you, my marriage is in tatters, both my brothers hate me and my bank
balance is £3,000 lighter.
Without your useless, duff, no good, pathetic advice I'd never have travelled to
Canada in the first place.
How do you have the cheek to call yourself a medium, you look more like an extra
large to me, anyway.
You have ruined my life.
Raymond Delauney

From: "Penny Hart"
To: "raymond delauney"
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2007 08:09:41 -0500
Subject: Re: Thanks a bunch

First of all don't you ever, ever send this office an email like this again. Who the hell do you think you are!! You beg for my help and then treat me like dirt! Learn some respect. I went by what my guides told me and my guides are never ever wrong!
Maybe just maybe instead of trying to con or steal from your brothers of some thing you think is yours but have no proof it was given to you maybe you should have asked them for it.
I would say since you were lying to them and trying to steal from them and also went through there home searching with out their consent then you and your wife got exactly what you deserve!
I am a well-known world renown psychic. Am I perfect? No! But two things I don't do is steal and lie! You apparently cant say the same thing now can you!
Next time beg Sylvia Browne for help!

Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2007 11:30:48 +0000 (GMT)
From: "raymond delauney"
Subject: Re: Thanks a bunch
To: "Penny Hart"

Penny

This really takes the biscuit.

I mean, it really does.
If my life wasn't such a car wreck I'd probably find this funny.
I really struck oil when I enlisted the services of a 'world renown' guide.
My guess is the only guide you got hanging around the trailer belongs to your
husband and is of the Labrador variety.

Frankly I think I'd been better off talking to the other dumb mutt.
I doubt you could even successfully predict what day of the week it is.
What qualifications do you need to do your job anyway? Watch Ghostbusters a
couple of times and get some references off a couple of stiffs?

And another thing, if you're as good as you claim to be how come you ain't coming
up on the lotto every other week?
You have the cheek to call me a crook but you put your name down for a 10% slice
of the proceeds. Luckily, I was never going to pay you that anyway.
If you're guides are never wrong maybe I should have e mailed them in the first
place. Instead I get the middleman. Is that why you're called mediums?
I wish you all the luck – with your lack of foresight you sure are going to need it.
Regards,
Raymond Delauney

From: "Penny Hart"
To: "raymond delauney"
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2007 07:07:40 -0500
Subject: Re: Thanks a bunch

This email has been bounced back to sender of locations checks from I.C.C.E.S. services. A tracking company for possible stalker threats.

END OF CORRESPONDENCE